True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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