I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
