i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
