it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
