now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
