so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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