I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
