just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
