bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
