I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You can't just leave with hair like that
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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