i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
