Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
