you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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