I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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