turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
How does one acquire holy water?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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