you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
