Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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