How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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