Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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