I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
