something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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