he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
