Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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