I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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