We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
