He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
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