This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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