Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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