why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
