I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
