everyone is single if you try hard enough
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
