I think I died a long time ago.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize