I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize