My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My vagina is officially offended.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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