We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
