alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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