so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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