i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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