There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
