He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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