I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
