My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
