What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
