My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
