I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize