and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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