i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
