Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The best revenge is premature balding
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
