We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just saw a hot homeless man
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
