Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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