i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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