I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
