uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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