how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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