I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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