You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
