I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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